Full Name: Beatrice Ruth Black, D.O. From (Hometown): Quincy, Illinois Gender: F Ethnicity: Black, Hispanic, Asian, and Caucasian Traits (Appearance): She moves in shadow. Reason for coming on the plane: Headed to a world healthcare conference in Rio. Brief History (Criminal record, past): Graduated top of her class from med school. Has been a doctor for about ten years now. Anything else: In a secret life, She has an addiction to telling bad jokes.
DAY ONE
Beatrice opens one eye, then another. She is on her back, looking up at bamboo trees. She is in a jungle. She sees a dog. That’s weird, she thinks, looking at the yellow-lab-looking mutt. She slowly gets up, in pain. Beatrice reaches in her pocket and finds a little liquor bottle from the airplane. It is empty. She drops it. Then she runs though the bamboo and emerges on a tropical beach. She sees plane wreckage and people running around, screaming, in distress. A short Italian man with binoculars stands by the tail. A ballerina lay in the sand, unconscious. A father was yelling for his kid, “Mike! Michael! Micheal!?!”
Just then, a voice cut through the mayhem, “Help me! Someone help!”
A woman is trapped under a part of the wing. Beatrice looks around and sees jet fuel slowly trickling from the plane down toward where the woman is trapped. Near the fuel, several small fires burn. Beatrice knows this could be trouble. Her doctor instincts take over.
“You,” she yells at several stunned-looking passengers staring at the plane, “Come help me move this piece of the wing!”
The passengers, one tall woman and three men, still looking dazed, obey Beatrice and help lift the metal object from her. Beatrice does a quick assessment – no visible bleeding, the sand must have had enough “give” to prevent any serious injury to the trapped woman – and asks her, “Can you move?”
“Yes, I – I think so,” she replies.
Beatrice sees the woman is pregnant.
“Help her,” Beatrice tells the strongest of the three men, “Get her down the beach a little farther. And then stay with her. Let me know if anything gets worse.”
“No problem,” comes the quick reply and he helps her move away from the jet fuel, which ignites only seconds later, burning the spot where the woman had been trapped. That was close, thinks Ruth. But she knows there is no time to celebrate this minor victory. Instead, she turns back toward the fuselage and assesses the several injured passengers she sees, deciding who she can help next.
DAY TWO
"Sorry," Beatrice says. "I got LOST for a moment there."
Beatrice has not slept, having helped as many injured people as she could yesterday and throughout the night, and now she is so tired she can barely focus.
"That's okay," the man says. "In fact, why don't you go under one of those trees there and try to get some rest," he says, indicating some shady trees where the jungle meets the beach.
"No," Beatrice says, "that won't be necessary. I'll be fine. I've been through worse."
She thought back to her may sleepless nights in medical school, though now that she is 40, she doubts she has the ability to recover she once had in her early twenties.
"Well, I was just saying, I think we need to move some of the injured back off the beach and up toward some shelter. If those clouds are heading this way," he points off the western shore, "and I think they are..." his voice trails off. Beatrice hears two boys talking as they walk out of the treeline and towards the survivors on the beach.
"I’m Ralph," says the first, stopping to pick up something in the sand. "Look!"
"Look where?"
"Look at this!"
"What is it?"
'It’s a shell," He holds it. "A conch. That’s what they call it. A conch."
"You blow in them, don’t you?"
"I don’t know."
"You blow in them and they make a noise. I don’t. My assma...but you blow. From down here," he indicates his diaphragm. "It makes a noise..."
The first boy sits and blows. A fantastic farting sound comes out.
"Oh what?" Both boys fall down laughing. "Do it again, then."
Another farting noise.
"You can, though. You can make a really good noise. If you get it right."
"Yeah?"
Beatrice observed another farting sound, and much more laughter.
"I bet there are people. I bet there are some others here. And I bet if I blow I’ll call them. They’ll come. I bet. And-"
He notices Beatrice. Beatrice waves.
"And what?"The other boy follows the first boy's gaze and also notices the crowd.
"I don’t know what," says the boy, waving at Beatrice. "Come on, Piggy!"
Both boys take off running down to Beatrice and the others on the beach.
DAY THREE
Crazy. That's what this is.
Beatrice knows that following a megalomaniac like Ryan Hounsome, the Luitennant General (if he really even is in the military!) is not the right move, but it is to be expected during times of panic like this, so she goes along with the majority. I'm just gonna follow him and keep an eye on where this is going.
He is having everyone chop wood, so Beatrice helps with that. She doesn't feel like telling Hounsome that she is a doctor until the time comes that she absolutely has to do so.
She watches Piggy and Ralph working together, under Hounsome's orders, and smiles when they are joined by Locke, the older gentleman who had been in a wheelchair before the crash but is now somehow walking around. It lifts her spirits. She starts humming a tune, then is soon absent-mindedly singing, "Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale / A tale of a fateful trip / That started from this tropic port aboard this tiny ship..."
Suddenly, a woman Beatrice recognizes from the airport before they boarded the flight comes limping in from the surrounding jungle. Her face is pale. She can barely catch her breath as she looks around, so she just falls to the sandy ground and tucks her head down between her knees, gasping.
"Adrianna, is - is that you?"
If you want Adrianna to recognize Beatrice and have a conversation, click here.
If you want Beatrice to just start telling some jokes, click here. CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE!
DAY FOUR
Adrianna lifts her head up in response, and locks eyes with Beatrice Black. Adrianna gasps as she remembers running into Beatrice at the airport before boarding the plane. She stands up, shakily, and hobbles over to the doctor. Though relieved to see a familiar face, Beatrice worries about Adrianna's leg, which she only shows by a widening of her eyes and raising of her eyebrows. Adrianna dismisses her worried look with a wave of her hand. Beatrice can tell this is a woman who wants to appear strong, and there truly are many other survivors who have it much worse than she does, so Beatrice shook off her worried look and replaced it with a smile.
"Oh thank god!" Adrianna practically yells when she reaches Beatrice. Then, putting too much weight on one leg, Adrianna quickly loses her balance, causing her to fall back on to the sand.
Beatrice looks down at her sympathetically, a slight smile forming on her face.
"I can help" she simply states. "I'll be right back."
Beatrice jogs out of the clearing, looking for something to use as a splint. She finds the right pieces of wood and bends over to pick them up, just in time to be out of sight of two people, a young man and woman in their late teens or early twenties, who walk up and sit on the log in front of her, their backs to Beatrice. They do not notice her, and she overhears their conversation:
"I can go a day without eating if I have to," she says.
"We might be here longer than a day," he replies.
"The plane had a black box, idiot. They know exactly where we are, they're coming."
She pauses, then continues, "Lemme guess. You don't think they are."
"No, I'm pretty sure they're not," he answers.
"Why?" she asks.
"Because you're so sure they are."
"You're such an ass."
"While that may be true, I am still -- I swear to God for reasons I will never understand -- concerned about your survival."
He offers her a candy bar, but she just looks at him. All resentment. And even though she's hungry, she says, "I'll eat on the rescue boat." Huh. Beatrice thinks. I'd bet that rescue boat's a long way off.
She backs away quietly and starts to return to the clearing to make a splint for Adrianna.
DAY FIVE
Beatrice comes back to find Adrianna lost in thought, so she gently touches her shoulder.
Adrianna turns and smiles, "Thank you for doing this."
"It's really no problem at all; I'm glad to be a help."
As Adrianna looks out to sea, Beatrice works a sturdy splint using the driftwood and lashings. It is a success.
"WOOHOO! ah yes this is great!" Adrianna says.
"Now, you should get some rest. Doctor's orders."
"I do feel sleepy."
"Thou art inclined to sleep; 'tis a good dulness," Beatrice says, as Adrianna falls asleep.
"And give it way: I know thou canst not choose.
Come away, servant, come. I am ready now.
Approach, my Ariel, come."
Ariel enters from the woods and says, "All hail, great master! grave sir, hail! I come to answer thy best pleasure; be't to fly, to swim, to dive into the fire, to ride on the curl'd clouds, to thy strong bidding task, Ariel and all his quality."
Beatrice asks, "Hast thou, spirit, perform'd to point the tempest that I bade thee?" "To every article, Ariel answers. "I boarded the king's ship; now on the beak, now in the waist, the deck, in every cabin, I flamed amazement: sometime I'ld divide, and burn in many places; on the topmast, the yards and bowsprit, would I flame distinctly, then meet and join. Jove's lightnings, the precursors o' the dreadful thunder-claps, more momentary and sight-outrunning were not; the fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring the most mighty Neptune seem to besiege and make his bold waves tremble, yea, his dread trident shake."
Beatrice says, "My brave spirit!"
DAY SIX
"Hey," a voice cuts through the fantasy. "Hey, Doctor lady."
Now Ariel transmutes back into Hounsome and Dr. Beatrice Black ceases to be Prospero. The reality of the island comes rushing back in.
"I think we're going to need your services. Stay close," Hounsome tells Beatrice, who follows his far-off gaze to a man, limping in from the side of the clearing, carrying an injured woman in his arm and looking at us through bincoulars. He waves his hand and yells. "Hounsome!! Over here, mate!" He takes a few steps forward and falls, holding his side and crying out in pain. He gets back up to his knees and then Hounsome is right beside him, giving directions to a few people to take the woman, whose name appears to be Alice, before turning back the man.
"Wrennyn!" Hounsome addresses the man, whom he clearly knows by name. "What happened? You're bleeding!" Hounsome bends down and looks at the wound before motioning to Beatrice to come over. She does.
"This is Dr. Beatrice Black. She's an expert in her field. Tell me what happened."
"Well I ran into the woods when I heard some screaming..." Wrennyn says as Black starts examining his wounds. Nothing too serious. Makeshift stitches and some cleaning will be all. "Basically," Wrennyn continues, "some guy was attacked by those savages when he was trying to help out Alice over there. I tried to save him... I managed to kill most of his attackers and save Alice." He pauses. "He isn't with us anymore." Wrennyn looks down, cringing as Dr. Black poked his wound. He curses, then quickly says "Pardon," to Dr. Black, sheepishly covering his mouth.
"Let's get you back to the camp," Dr. Black says, dismissing his apology with a wave of her hand, as if to say the foul language doesn't bother her.
But it does bother her. In fact, no one but the doctor knows the dark thoughts that creep into her head at this moment, as she briefly pictures herself doing terrible harm to this man Wrennyn, but she quickly pushes the bad thoughts out of her mind and returns to her work.
Black and Hounsome hoist Wrennyn up onto his feet and take him to one of the huts where he can sleep.
Housome thanks Black and leaves.
Black is alone with her evil, dark thoughts.
DAY SEVEN
Black out.
As Beatrice regains consciousness, she is running into a hut. Somehow she knows where she is going and what to say.
"A girl has been hurt badly and the only name she's saying repeatably is yours! You have to come help." she says, a look of concern on her face.
Tommy Mermon, who appears to have been deep in thought, stares back at her, carefully measuring his response.
"Okay. Take me to her," he says, then follows the doctor out of the hut.
Beatrice takes Tommy to where Grace was before he left her and Tommy gasps when he sees her backing away. She is screaming in pain.
"What do I do?' Tommy asks, trying to calm down.
"Just hold her hand and let her know that you're here until I help her."
Tommy nods and takes both of her hands in his, singing for her. She can not speak, and unfortunately for everyone, Tommy fails to notice the look in her eyes.
It is a look that screams, she did this to me.
Beatrice grins and opens her back leather bag.
DAY EIGHT
Tommy and Grace are going to die. Beatrice knows that she can't stop this. But it doesn't have to be right now. She can delay this if she fights really hard.
Beatrice excuses herself and walks out of the hut.
Sometimes the best way to calm her nerves after murderous thoughts is a little humor. She starts to say out loud any jokes she can think of....
"Two cows are in a field. One says, 'moo.' The other says, 'That's what I was gonna say!'
What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
I have an EpiPen. My fiend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it...
I bought some shows from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent!
How Long is a Chinese man’s name. No, it actually is.
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep…not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
EATEN BY A LION - DAY 8
Full Name: Beatrice Ruth Black, D.O.
From (Hometown): Quincy, Illinois
Gender: F
Ethnicity: Black, Hispanic, Asian, and Caucasian
Traits (Appearance): She moves in shadow.
Reason for coming on the plane: Headed to a world healthcare conference in Rio.
Brief History (Criminal record, past): Graduated top of her class from med school. Has been a doctor for about ten years now.
Anything else: In a secret life, She has an addiction to telling bad jokes.
DAY ONE
Beatrice opens one eye, then another. She is on her back, looking up at bamboo trees. She is in a jungle. She sees a dog. That’s weird, she thinks, looking at the yellow-lab-looking mutt. She slowly gets up, in pain. Beatrice reaches in her pocket and finds a little liquor bottle from the airplane. It is empty. She drops it. Then she runs though the bamboo and emerges on a tropical beach. She sees plane wreckage and people running around, screaming, in distress. A short Italian man with binoculars stands by the tail. A ballerina lay in the sand, unconscious. A father was yelling for his kid, “Mike! Michael! Micheal!?!”Just then, a voice cut through the mayhem, “Help me! Someone help!”
A woman is trapped under a part of the wing. Beatrice looks around and sees jet fuel slowly trickling from the plane down toward where the woman is trapped. Near the fuel, several small fires burn. Beatrice knows this could be trouble. Her doctor instincts take over.
“You,” she yells at several stunned-looking passengers staring at the plane, “Come help me move this piece of the wing!”
The passengers, one tall woman and three men, still looking dazed, obey Beatrice and help lift the metal object from her. Beatrice does a quick assessment – no visible bleeding, the sand must have had enough “give” to prevent any serious injury to the trapped woman – and asks her, “Can you move?”
“Yes, I – I think so,” she replies.
Beatrice sees the woman is pregnant.
“Help her,” Beatrice tells the strongest of the three men, “Get her down the beach a little farther. And then stay with her. Let me know if anything gets worse.”
“No problem,” comes the quick reply and he helps her move away from the jet fuel, which ignites only seconds later, burning the spot where the woman had been trapped.
That was close, thinks Ruth. But she knows there is no time to celebrate this minor victory. Instead, she turns back toward the fuselage and assesses the several injured passengers she sees, deciding who she can help next.
DAY TWO
"Sorry," Beatrice says. "I got LOST for a moment there."Beatrice has not slept, having helped as many injured people as she could yesterday and throughout the night, and now she is so tired she can barely focus.
"That's okay," the man says. "In fact, why don't you go under one of those trees there and try to get some rest," he says, indicating some shady trees where the jungle meets the beach.
"No," Beatrice says, "that won't be necessary. I'll be fine. I've been through worse."
She thought back to her may sleepless nights in medical school, though now that she is 40, she doubts she has the ability to recover she once had in her early twenties.
"Well, I was just saying, I think we need to move some of the injured back off the beach and up toward some shelter. If those clouds are heading this way," he points off the western shore, "and I think they are..." his voice trails off. Beatrice hears two boys talking as they walk out of the treeline and towards the survivors on the beach.
"I’m Ralph," says the first, stopping to pick up something in the sand. "Look!"
"Look where?"
"Look at this!"
"What is it?"
'It’s a shell," He holds it. "A conch. That’s what they call it. A conch."
"You blow in them, don’t you?"
"I don’t know."
"You blow in them and they make a noise. I don’t. My assma...but you blow. From down here," he indicates his diaphragm. "It makes a noise..."
The first boy sits and blows. A fantastic farting sound comes out.
"Oh what?" Both boys fall down laughing. "Do it again, then."
Another farting noise.
"You can, though. You can make a really good noise. If you get it right."
"Yeah?"
Beatrice observed another farting sound, and much more laughter.
"I bet there are people. I bet there are some others here. And I bet if I blow I’ll call them. They’ll come. I bet. And-"
He notices Beatrice. Beatrice waves.
"And what?"The other boy follows the first boy's gaze and also notices the crowd.
"I don’t know what," says the boy, waving at Beatrice. "Come on, Piggy!"
Both boys take off running down to Beatrice and the others on the beach.
DAY THREE
Crazy. That's what this is.Beatrice knows that following a megalomaniac like Ryan Hounsome, the Luitennant General (if he really even is in the military!) is not the right move, but it is to be expected during times of panic like this, so she goes along with the majority.
I'm just gonna follow him and keep an eye on where this is going.
He is having everyone chop wood, so Beatrice helps with that. She doesn't feel like telling Hounsome that she is a doctor until the time comes that she absolutely has to do so.
She watches Piggy and Ralph working together, under Hounsome's orders, and smiles when they are joined by Locke, the older gentleman who had been in a wheelchair before the crash but is now somehow walking around. It lifts her spirits. She starts humming a tune, then is soon absent-mindedly singing, "Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale / A tale of a fateful trip / That started from this tropic port aboard this tiny ship..."
Suddenly, a woman Beatrice recognizes from the airport before they boarded the flight comes limping in from the surrounding jungle. Her face is pale. She can barely catch her breath as she looks around, so she just falls to the sandy ground and tucks her head down between her knees, gasping.
"Adrianna, is - is that you?"
If you want Adrianna to recognize Beatrice and have a conversation, click here.
If you want Beatrice to just start telling some jokes, click here.
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE!
DAY FOUR
Adrianna lifts her head up in response, and locks eyes with Beatrice Black. Adrianna gasps as she remembers running into Beatrice at the airport before boarding the plane. She stands up, shakily, and hobbles over to the doctor. Though relieved to see a familiar face, Beatrice worries about Adrianna's leg, which she only shows by a widening of her eyes and raising of her eyebrows. Adrianna dismisses her worried look with a wave of her hand. Beatrice can tell this is a woman who wants to appear strong, and there truly are many other survivors who have it much worse than she does, so Beatrice shook off her worried look and replaced it with a smile."Oh thank god!" Adrianna practically yells when she reaches Beatrice. Then, putting too much weight on one leg, Adrianna quickly loses her balance, causing her to fall back on to the sand.
Beatrice looks down at her sympathetically, a slight smile forming on her face.
"I can help" she simply states. "I'll be right back."
Beatrice jogs out of the clearing, looking for something to use as a splint. She finds the right pieces of wood and bends over to pick them up, just in time to be out of sight of two people, a young man and woman in their late teens or early twenties, who walk up and sit on the log in front of her, their backs to Beatrice. They do not notice her, and she overhears their conversation:
"I can go a day without eating if I have to," she says.
"We might be here longer than a day," he replies.
"The plane had a black box, idiot. They know exactly where we are, they're coming."
She pauses, then continues, "Lemme guess. You don't think they are."
"No, I'm pretty sure they're not," he answers.
"Why?" she asks.
"Because you're so sure they are."
"You're such an ass."
"While that may be true, I am still -- I swear to God for reasons I will never understand -- concerned about your survival."
He offers her a candy bar, but she just looks at him. All resentment. And even though she's hungry, she says, "I'll eat on the rescue boat."
Huh. Beatrice thinks. I'd bet that rescue boat's a long way off.
She backs away quietly and starts to return to the clearing to make a splint for Adrianna.
DAY FIVE
Beatrice comes back to find Adrianna lost in thought, so she gently touches her shoulder.Adrianna turns and smiles, "Thank you for doing this."
"It's really no problem at all; I'm glad to be a help."
As Adrianna looks out to sea, Beatrice works a sturdy splint using the driftwood and lashings. It is a success.
"WOOHOO! ah yes this is great!" Adrianna says.
"Now, you should get some rest. Doctor's orders."
"I do feel sleepy."
"Thou art inclined to sleep; 'tis a good dulness," Beatrice says, as Adrianna falls asleep.
"And give it way: I know thou canst not choose.
Come away, servant, come. I am ready now.
Approach, my Ariel, come."
Ariel enters from the woods and says, "All hail, great master! grave sir, hail! I come to answer thy best pleasure; be't to fly, to swim, to dive into the fire, to ride on the curl'd clouds, to thy strong bidding task, Ariel and all his quality."
Beatrice asks, "Hast thou, spirit, perform'd to point the tempest that I bade thee?"
"To every article, Ariel answers. "I boarded the king's ship; now on the beak, now in the waist, the deck, in every cabin, I flamed amazement: sometime I'ld divide, and burn in many places; on the topmast, the yards and bowsprit, would I flame distinctly, then meet and join. Jove's lightnings, the precursors o' the dreadful thunder-claps, more momentary and sight-outrunning were not; the fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring the most mighty Neptune seem to besiege and make his bold waves tremble, yea, his dread trident shake."
Beatrice says, "My brave spirit!"
DAY SIX
"Hey," a voice cuts through the fantasy. "Hey, Doctor lady."Now Ariel transmutes back into Hounsome and Dr. Beatrice Black ceases to be Prospero. The reality of the island comes rushing back in.
"I think we're going to need your services. Stay close," Hounsome tells Beatrice, who follows his far-off gaze to a man, limping in from the side of the clearing, carrying an injured woman in his arm and looking at us through bincoulars. He waves his hand and yells. "Hounsome!! Over here, mate!" He takes a few steps forward and falls, holding his side and crying out in pain. He gets back up to his knees and then Hounsome is right beside him, giving directions to a few people to take the woman, whose name appears to be Alice, before turning back the man.
"Wrennyn!" Hounsome addresses the man, whom he clearly knows by name. "What happened? You're bleeding!" Hounsome bends down and looks at the wound before motioning to Beatrice to come over. She does.
"This is Dr. Beatrice Black. She's an expert in her field. Tell me what happened."
"Well I ran into the woods when I heard some screaming..." Wrennyn says as Black starts examining his wounds. Nothing too serious. Makeshift stitches and some cleaning will be all. "Basically," Wrennyn continues, "some guy was attacked by those savages when he was trying to help out Alice over there. I tried to save him... I managed to kill most of his attackers and save Alice." He pauses. "He isn't with us anymore." Wrennyn looks down, cringing as Dr. Black poked his wound. He curses, then quickly says "Pardon," to Dr. Black, sheepishly covering his mouth.
"Let's get you back to the camp," Dr. Black says, dismissing his apology with a wave of her hand, as if to say the foul language doesn't bother her.
But it does bother her. In fact, no one but the doctor knows the dark thoughts that creep into her head at this moment, as she briefly pictures herself doing terrible harm to this man Wrennyn, but she quickly pushes the bad thoughts out of her mind and returns to her work.
Black and Hounsome hoist Wrennyn up onto his feet and take him to one of the huts where he can sleep.
Housome thanks Black and leaves.
Black is alone with her evil, dark thoughts.
DAY SEVEN
Black out.As Beatrice regains consciousness, she is running into a hut. Somehow she knows where she is going and what to say.
"A girl has been hurt badly and the only name she's saying repeatably is yours! You have to come help." she says, a look of concern on her face.
Tommy Mermon, who appears to have been deep in thought, stares back at her, carefully measuring his response.
"Okay. Take me to her," he says, then follows the doctor out of the hut.
Beatrice takes Tommy to where Grace was before he left her and Tommy gasps when he sees her backing away. She is screaming in pain.
"What do I do?' Tommy asks, trying to calm down.
"Just hold her hand and let her know that you're here until I help her."
Tommy nods and takes both of her hands in his, singing for her. She can not speak, and unfortunately for everyone, Tommy fails to notice the look in her eyes.
It is a look that screams, she did this to me.
Beatrice grins and opens her back leather bag.
DAY EIGHT
Tommy and Grace are going to die. Beatrice knows that she can't stop this. But it doesn't have to be right now. She can delay this if she fights really hard.Beatrice excuses herself and walks out of the hut.
Sometimes the best way to calm her nerves after murderous thoughts is a little humor. She starts to say out loud any jokes she can think of....
"Two cows are in a field. One says, 'moo.' The other says, 'That's what I was gonna say!'
What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
I have an EpiPen. My fiend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it...
I bought some shows from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent!
How Long is a Chinese man’s name. No, it actually is.
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep…not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.